The Summer of 2017
So yeah, I’m not going to lie but I haven’t been in the mood for sharing my life on social media lately. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s more of an necessary thing to do. Let’s start at the beginning.
I got dumped
Finally after four months of dating and fighting a lot he pulled the trigger. It was a crazy beautiful experience where I got to know bits and pieces about myself, the things that I was trying to suppress. I used to carry a lot of fear, pain and self doubt with me. I thought I was doing better until I started to manifest people, places and situations where I always ended up looking in the mirror. For example my hair grows up in the air, in circles but I choose to straighten it or put weave in? Why, you may ask? Because I don’t want to face the fact that it needs a lot of maintanains self care and love to grow and be healthy. Just like you won’t pour bleach into your plants, you also need to take proper care of your hair. The relationship and self talk I was having also became apparent in the interactions with others. No one treats you worse or better than you treat yourself. Being dumped actually made me realize I do need to change a lot in order for me to introduce loving thoughts and actions on a daily basis. I used to think that one day of self-care was enough, until I realized that self care is something you do every single minute of the day because you love yourself. Water instead of bleach my dear.
My thesis wasn’t good enough. So yes, I started of my summer feeling everything but accomplished. Realizing how many times I’ve got beating down in the past few years, just to finish my education. I decided to stop re-writing, let the entire thing go on a mental level and started to live my life. Living my life equals spending time with family and friends, having fun on the job and outside. spotting for my very first documentary, reading a lot and writing. I had so much love surrounding me, especially when I realized the benefits of opening up to the people around me. Instead of me being like ‘i’m fine how are you?’ I started to open up about my ‘bagage’ and in return I got so much love, advice and respect back. The key is to be transparent as you can be in order for you to grow as an human being. Me locking myself up every single day, writing and reading isn’t the same as me going outside and realize how I’m feeling and doing by interacting with others.
I got up
This year I finally started working as an assistant manager. By learning how to manage my work, the customers and colleagues I also started to manage my own life a lot better. Instead of being surprised by the uncontrollable I started to anticipate a lot better and made adjustments accordingly.
I realized how much of my power, I’ve been giving away to other people, letting them control how I feel and think. From love relationships, co-workers to family members and documentary’s. Instead of me reaching withing on auto-pilot I started to become aware of my co-dependency and how I found a way to not do the work and still feel like I’m living my life. So I needed to break all of the patterns and learn how to live my life for me to serve the collective.
Wanting to become self employed as an artist can be hard especially in the age of social media. How to stay true to yourself and still work with cliënts is a challenge but not impossible. So after a friend of mine gave me a call for a potential job I immediately jumped on board and this is what came out of it.
My sister died
My father divorced my mother when I was two years old. He moved to the United Kingdom and had two other children. I always knew of their existence and always felt so connected to them. In 2012 our dad suddenly past away. It allowed my sister Elga and I to get into contact and we decided to look each other up. Life happened and after five years I finally was coming down to really get to know them. My flight was booked for the 22th of August, the very first day of my holiday. Two days prior to that I got a call from my mother. My sister died of an heart attack, she was only 23.
My. World. Stopped. I felt this excoriating pain from the inside of me stomach. It was preventing me from breathing normally and I cried, and I cried, and I cried. My best friends came to visit me and I left two days later.
Being there and getting to know her without her being there physically was hard. Her son is the love of my life. Getting to know my other sister, her child, her husband and all the family and friends that surrounded her made it easier for me to cope.
I lost a sister and I gained one; the irony of life. Her death was sudden and she lived her life like a Supernova. Ambitious, fiery, honest and ready to start her life anew. We all experience times in our live where we are rearranging and changing a lot behind the scene’s in order for us to grow to the new level. She was doing that and it wasn’t easy. I will always love you Elga until we meet again..
My summer ended bittersweet with the unexpected loss. I come from a huge family and normally I would spend more time with my mothers side. Now everything changed though. Meeting my uncle for the very fist time, my cousins, my sister; it made me see a more whole side of myself. And the realization finally sunk in; I am more than just my mothers daughter, I am also my fathers daughter. Even though I grew up with my stepdad and mum, It is nice to know where you come from.
What I’ve learned
To let go whenever something is not serving you or the collective. At the end of the summer I looked into a clear mirror and saw so much beauty. The way I deal with life might be extra-ordinary to a lot of ‘normal’ human beings. But it works for me, for now. No man is an island and we need each other more than this individualistic society talks about. The narrative of ‘making your dreams come true’ isn’t cutting it for me anymore. It is about being of service, living in health (wich equals wealth), having experiences that make you grow as an indivudual. At the end of your life what will your legacy be? What will you have created that serves the world at its highest level? Is it a child, a job, medicine, an invention? How will you get inspired, comming from the Latin word īnspīrāre meaning in breath. What does it mean to breathe, I mean live for you? A wise one once said ‘the way you breath is the way you live’. So I’ve learned how to let it flow. My breath. Life.